Lush Memory

You are a tango instructor, and I took your class the other night. You sensei taught me for the first time how to have a conversation without words.

This was good, because I have no words that do justice for the impression I had of you. You are more than graceful. More than beautiful. It was almost like a scent that a dog could identify you specifically as. Except that I felt it. Your essence. Your presence. I was calm in your silence. But, through the methods you taught me, I was anything but quiet.

Were you able to understand what I was saying? The phrase, "it takes two to tango," suddenly has a new world of meaning to me. I hope to keep dancing with you on into the future.

29APR2026

It's really hard to talk about this right now.

A flamewarring mob attacked me online for being honest about a positive view of porn. They thought-policed me with scarecrows as their batons.

I said Y, but they insisted I said X.

Even with clarification, their protest against fantasized violence they accused me of devolved quickly into realized violent threats against me. The hypocrisy was thick. The hate over sexual shaming was painful.

After talking things out with an AI and some friends, I think I have some clarity with which to cover the great time I had with you last night and not lose focus. I've decided to switch platforms so that I can be more overt about the details without risking my or any of your privacy.

I took my third tango class with you.

God believers will suspect the lesson we had on levels of presence was no coincidence. A lesson of how to be introverted (1), balanced (2), or extroverted, bordering on, if not crossing, people's boundaries (3). I was lost in your eyes the whole time we practiced this exercise. That was for about a half hour.

I'd sooner suspect the version of you that is my teacher is just that much of a genius that she felt this is the next lesson for me to learn as well as the test that I must pass to show I am safe around her students. The AI seemed to assume she was this brilliant, anyway.

I loved every second I got to hold and learn with each of you last night. I am always uncomfortable with prolonged eye contact. I turn my eyes away because I don't want any of you to think I'm a creep. I'm always hyper-self-aware and thinking everyone is watching where my eyes are going at all times.

I relax and know that's not quite the case when I play poker, but I still never stare in anyone's eyes for that long.

But as is the case with many neurodivergent discomforts, it isn't because I don't want to. I loved staring into your eyes and admiring your beautiful face. I was microcrushing on you. I didn't hide it.

When sensei told you to stay balanced and me to exert myself, I thought the lesson would be made clear as day and many good human emotional insights discovered if I forced you to have to step away to remain balanced. I thought to pop your personal bubble. To come close to you, and almost seem as if I were going to kiss you, but then not.

I thought better of it with a much more important lesson to maintain. Don't scare the shit out of someone you like and just met, moron! 😅

Gawd it would have been sexy if not traumatizing. I'm glad, and I think all of you would be very relieved that I didn't.

So, rather than expanding my presence 99%, I expanded it maybe 60% so you would never feel inclined to step back. I wanted a discomfort tolerated, not a fear response. You were great. You maintained balance and showed no sign of discomfort.

That stable reaction from you didn't encourage me to rethink going harder. I'd rather fail this lesson than the more basic baseline one.

At first, this lesson didn't have an immediate effect on our connection through dance, but I started to be able to incorporate it with our movements. Did I mention, this class is on Argentinean tango?

A deadpan look on your face started to crack some momentary grins for me as we danced and I improved at leading you.

It's ok. I promise I'm not getting the wrong idea. I won't make the... not the first move... wait...

What am I saying? What will I or won't I do at this point? I should be clear. For me and for you.

I'm not gonna ask you for a date.

I'm not gonna ask or imply I want to sleep with you.

I'll get over the FOMO of what likely doesn't exist.

I'll take everything that you give me, just like this. Just like with your nods to dance, your eye contact with me, your approach to me in all such matters.

I'll be sure you want me before I lean into you.

I'll just enjoy the connection I feel with you until then.

I hope that's the best way for me to be right now.

😅 So, your grins. They were gold to me. Our last connection felt the best because you cracked many and even mona-lisa-ed a bit through the mid to latter half of the song.

I was with you. I adjusted every time you didn't go where I guided you. It was exactly like the mirror exercise, but with contact.

🤔 Should sexual interractions ever be that way, I wonder?

I asked if you liked it after that last song and you giggled saying, "yes".

Score! 🤘 I'm doing this right.

Other versions of you were also great last night. One of you talked just a little with me while dancing. I forget what the phrase or comment you made was, but without it being a direct reference to anything in video games, just a way of problem solving, I correctly guessed that you are a gamer.

Then I asked another of you if we could practice the close embrace. You were giving me clear signs of want and desire for closeness. I seriously might have legit FOMO of what you are interested in with me, but there is way too big of a risk of everything failing and losing all of you if I ask.

...For more than this accepted embrace, at least.

You accepted the close embrace with me. You gave me a new perspective and let me feel how close I want to feel with someone. Your body against my body.

You didn't quite have the answers but you were kind enough to understand and try to answer my question of the subtle ways you can always signal or take back the open hold when you want it.

The most connected version of you, whose eyes I had admired so deeply, asked me, with your eyes, for the last dance before the music even started. We were both excited to dance again. I told you then that the moment reminded me of the last love scene in Pretty In Pink.

You never saw it but I described it as two teenage lovers who broke up but saw each other at prom and communicated with eye contact and grins to get back together. That's not all of it, of course, because he apologized too, but that moment of pure presence was in there. You smiled and laughed and it seemed you understood.

As we closed for the night you made eye contact with me and grinned a couple times but I didn't hold that gaze the long amounts of time that I wanted to. I was back to default settings, but I really wanted to keep looking at you.

Everyone shared their contact info and I played a role in getting you to share yours, so, it would be a betrayal of trust to take that as more than what it is.

The deadpan look on your face otherwise made me wonder if maybe I am a sort of not-your-type. Are you not into men? Am I catastrophysizing? If I am, then maybe the connection we had could be a great friendship, still.

You sensei had a philosophical chat with me after. You trusted me after less than a week of knowing me to drive you to class and to drive you back home.

I wanted to gift you something for your trust, but I guess I fumbled by offering you a dessert we could share.

I hope you weren't worried it was poisoned and that you really were just concerned it was too sticky to handle without utensils. I would have poison tested it for you to help ease any concerns if you let me.

There was a bit of a disconnect as you didn't follow the joke I described about a masculine euthyphro dilemma.

What is masculinity? Is it loved by the Feminist Goddesses, or is it what the Feminist Goddesses love?

I thought it was hysterical, because people in positive masculinity spaces are trying to define it with examples and not very much in principle of what masculinity is. Let's face it, actual natural masculinity is any sexually selected trait in men.

The cultural gender norms are very real and important but I'd tear every one of them from myself and the society around me out by the roots if any such expectations were unnecessary.

Quit making more hypocritical rules. A hate for hypocrisy is about all that Jesus and I still agree on.

Still, despite your misunderstanding me, you did have some philosophy of beauty to impart in return for the poorly landed joke.

You think, quite critically, on how things make you and others feel. All of your opinions are expressed through art.

That is amazing. But I feel as though I understand you but that you might not always understand what I am saying. I'm still enriched by hearing your opinions, so I'm ok with that.

We soon have some art that we can create together. You have an interesting improv event tomorrow. You allowed me to demonstrate my vocal talents to you. We've made plans to possibly jam at this event.