Private Confession

The Masculine Dilemma

[This short writing had to be combined with a diary entry because of Literotica's 750+ word requirement]

I've been having a bit of a euthyphro dilemma with Divine Feminist Theory (DFT).

Some seem to describe particular acts of good as being masculine, like holding men accountable for their misdeeds.

But, this eludes me as they are not the same as a general definition of what it means to be masculine.

One might say the masculine is that which is loved by the Feminists and the immasculine that which is hated by the Feminists.

But not all of the feminists seem to agree on what they love and hate. Some things are loved by some Feminists and hated by others. Those would be both masculine and immasculine by this description, which would make no sense.

Therefore, maybe the masculine is that which is loved by all of the Feminists. The immasculine, that which all the Feminists hate.

But then, is the masculine loved by the Feminists because it is masculine or is it masculine because it is loved by the Feminists?

🤔

Perhaps another definition might be that masculinity is the part of good actions which are concerned with caring for the Feminists.

That gets a bit problematic, as it implies an act of improving the Feminists. We care for a dog by feeding it to improve the dog. But we can't improve the Feminists.

If we care for the Feminist as an employee cares for the company, then at least there is something between them that is a shared goal. But I'm not entirely sure if I can say what that is at this point in my learning.

Another attempt at a definition: masculinity is saying and doing what is pleasing to the Feminists in conversation and by what we donate or volunteer to the Feminists.

🤔 No, no, see we're right back to saying masculinity is what all the Feminists love and immasculinity is what all the Feminists hate.

For consistency, I think it seems most likely that the masculine is being loved by all the feminists because it is masculine.

But then, we couldn't say that "being masculine" is the same as "being something Feminist-loved" because it would just be a circular explanation.

🤔 Thoughts?

One thing I am sure of is that there is at least one kind of Feminist Goddess of Truth that I believe in and worship.

My Life With You

6MAY2026

My life is staying active. I'm building strength and skills. My depression has subsided to the point where the frustration is that I'm not sad enough to make myself cry. Getting myself to cry helps to push me through the downside of the depression cycle. Not being able to is still a good problem to have.

It's just annoying to have these moments where I feel sorry for myself but I have nothing to feel sorry for, short of the fact that I'm not able to just be with you.

I'm getting the idea that for a lot of women, it's a cruel game they play online trying to brag about every and any excuse they can think of to tell a man who is interested in them to kick rocks. Hating on men, especially because we "lack emotional intelligence," is its own sport.

I hate hypocrites. I really hate them so much.

I've been reviewing The Mating Grounds podcast on their How To Be Attractive To Women series. Social proof is a major recurring theme, even when it comes to proving intelligence.

I'm sure that my experience as a conversationalist is a mix of extremes. People either love or hate me. Those who love me are mostly nerdy men. The women I ask for help with dating seem to also like me just for asking for their help.

They have mostly been too busy, but they haven't all ghosted me. I keep reaching out when I'm stuck and they keep the conversation going to show their intent is to help when they can.

This got me thinking. This practice of chasing people, not just women I have a romantic chance with but chasing friends as well, is new. I get the hard and fast rule of two attempts to reach out through text and forget about it, but with how tough it is to get most Los Angeleans to follow up, I had to experiment a little. Never to harass, but maybe spread out my attempts to reach out and max at 4 or at worst 7.

Women definitely get much worse from men who don't quit. I've seen it. One of these new friends has had me waiting for a couple months now to hang out in person, but she said she's busy and asked me to keep poking to remind her. She really hasn't dropped the conversation completely. That's wild. I don't ever guilt any of them over it. I'm just fascinated how a behavior that most would say is obsessive and weird is actually wanted.

Mating Grounds covered an important area I must consider with social proof. People are not going to hang with me if I don't provide them with a reason to enjoy that time with me. I can work on how much I give them the space to express themselves and feel appreciated for it.

I often feel stuck asking questions to try and convince them to talk about whatever they want to talk about. AI might be good for giving me ideas along those lines. Nothing to talk about? What questions will trigger their original thoughts to come out and feel heard?

I also learned about this effect of why I'm getting so many matches that never have a conversation with me. Turns out what explains it is some women only come on to Tinder when they're ovulating and possibly drunk. They either find a hookup or give up looking as they are not as discriminating of what they swipe right on in that moment. I'll happily take the compliment that I was momentary eye candy for someone, even if she decided that she isn't you.

This... has me wondering. Look, it's just the logical conclusion to arrive at. Don't hate me, but what if that's valuable information? Specifically, I'm thinking about the you who's a biologist. If I calculate a month from the day you were drunk and having a good time talking to me, would I have a shot of getting your attention because the timing would be close to perfect?

Hey, if that works, then I say that's on you for being finicky, girl. 😂 That's fair game strategy, not manipulation.

Tango has definitely been improving my back. I'm fighting, stretching, popping and aligning throughout each day since starting tango. I also went to a crossfit class on a Sunday morning for the first time. New instructor I haven't had yet. We lifted the barbell with our pelvises. I was surprised that I could lift more than I could bench press. My butt hated me, but my back thanked me.

Oh, and humble brag, at the strikefit training, where we learn kickboxing at the crossfit gym, I broke the strap holding up the bag 😂 I was really focused on form. I noticed that I was putting more force and speed into it than the others. I wasn't really emotional or anything, I was just taking the idea of a real fight in mind seriously. Then suddenly, this huge heavy thing topples over like a tree that was chopped down. 🤣

I went to an electronic dance festival over the weekend, Core. It was effectively my first rave. I had some friends I got to meet up with for Saturday. Received trinkets and supplied my own. I got little resin octopuses and sticky octopus stress balls to hand out. I also brought extra Liquid IV and offered it if people might be in need of electrolytes.

I wore my blue and white Vegeta vintage shirt Saturday with some swim trunks and socks that matched a blue techno vibe. Also had matching blue shades. Neon green nail polish with wolf and coyote stickers as well.

I lost myself dancing. I really loved it. One of my new friends said I seemed like a free spirit. I forgot to try and ask for contact info from any of the people I met. That or the moments were too quick or awkward to ask. Doubtful that I found you there.

On Sunday I cracked myself up with a new pickup line that's not a pickup line, "I'm looking for some friends, have you seen any?." 😂 I used it a few times and that got me a few kandi bracelets and one or two instas.

But I did run into two young women who complimented me on my vibe and I learned they were working as part of the ground control crew. Their job was to encourage the vibe and make sure everyone was ok. I loved that. I went and signed up for the chance at being paid to go to concerts and be helpful and supportive to people there.

My therapist was able to help me break out in tears as she asked the right questions to bring up the hardest crush I ever had. I pulled a High Fidelity move last year after the divorce to see how my old facebook friend was doing. We connected back as friends. The old addiction of talking to this girl returned, but with much respect that she is happily engaged.

What killed it for me and made this talk in therapy so important was learning more about the first man she married and had a beautiful daughter with. I thought it was enough that I distanced myself from her after she rejected me and I couldn't take it. Don't misunderstand, I'll get to explaining just how hard that was.

But what I now regret on top of it was not accepting the pain I felt around her. If I had kept being her friend respectfully when she wasn't ready for a relationship, at the very least, she would have known that she could do a lot better than him.

Not that I would jump in a time machine. It's more that I'm kicking myself for being too weak to realize there was a better way for me to be.

She and I were stationed together in Florida. I was religious but always stood out asking too many questions. I was not Jesus enough for most Christian women. We met at Chapel. Both stayed actively involved in it. Every moment near her felt like raw chemistry between us. Like love. Fate. Something.

I asked if she wanted to be more and she declined. I couldn't believe it. It was like seeing someone on fire claim they felt a little chilly.

I accepted but the feelings and reciprocal behaviour from her was undeniable. I eventually asked her a second time. And then a third. Finally I apologized and promised her that I would accept being her friend and nothing else.

A philosophical conversation in her dorm later, and I realized she was on her bed, comfortable. Staring up at me with beckoning eyes and lips. I put my hand across her and held the side of her leg. She didn't protest. My hand then drifted toward her crotch slowly, but she moved it away.

Of course, I rationalized that she might let me touch her breasts. My hand drifted again, and I was wrong. Saving herself for marriage. So I settled my hand on her side again and I started to have some moral clarity. She can't deny feelings for me anymore. But I also don't want any regrets from her, whatever happens.

So, I told her that I knew right there that I could kiss her, but I wanted her to make a sound and conscious decision to be with me. I left her like that, saying I'll see her the next day so we can talk about it.

I was so happy. There was no logical way for her to claim she didn't feel what she obviously felt for me. Then, when I returned to get her thought-out decision, she apologised for leading me on.

I lost it. Not screaming or yelling, not on the outside, anyway. I was shaking inside. I had to walk away and keep some distance from her for a while.

I never blamed her. I disagreed, but, I guess I understood well enough how we all play tricks on our own minds at times. I was mad. Mad at God. No one should have to endure such pain as I did then in a just world.

Now, looking back, imaginary friends weren't the only farce I believed in. I accepted that she was incapable of being reasoned with. I convinced myself that she would never really develop and change as I would.

That High Fidelity move really does help you get some clarity. The fact is, she's given up fundamentalism. She always was an intelligent woman capable of understanding deep philosophy. That's why she liked me. She might have been shy, but she was always connecting with me about those deep thoughts I shared.

At the least, if I had endured the pain of my heartache to be her friend, she would have avoided a lot of pain from a fool who never deserved her. I blame myself for the lost years between us. That would have been times that I could have enjoyed a good and permanent friend.

So, two things I regret. Never give up a chance at a kiss and never give in to the pain of heartache and deny yourself a friend.